My client, whom we'll call Sally, was telling me how she's been reading up on all sorts of positive body image blogs. You know, blogs that encourage you to love yourself and accept yourself as you are right now. And that
was just all too far from reality for her to be able to swallow. She told me "I can't love my body. I can't stand living in it. I don't feel good physically
in my body. Why would I accept something that makes me so miserable?"
And I understood what Sally was saying. Often, people confuse self-acceptance with stagnation. Staying miserable, learning to put up with something you hate. Many people wrongly assume that they'll never change if they accept themselves (not to mention love themselves!) as they are right now. But it turns out that isn't true.
ACCEPTING SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO LIKE IT. The reality is that self-acceptance FACILITATES CHANGE. Acceptance can be defined as "the act of assenting or believing." Once we come to truly accept where we are at in life, what works for us, and what doesn't, we are then able to make decisions based on that reality. Here are a couple of diagrams to show what I mean.
Cycle of Non-Acceptance
Cycle of Acceptance
I share this message with you as a new year is about to begin because it's a time that you might be thinking about setting goals and contemplating how you'd like to improve upon this past year. So you just might want to consider adding self-love and self-acceptance to the top of your list. Ironically, it just might help you accomplish everything else you had in mind.
I'm going to leave you with a quote from a fabulous book that I stumbled upon while researching this blog post. The quote relates to accepting your body as it is right now.
How can you begin to learn the lesson of acceptance? By recognizing that what is, just is, and that the key to unlocking the prison of self-judgment lies in your own mind. You can either continue to fight against your body's reality by complaining bitterly and immersing yourself in self-deprecation, or you can make the very subtle but powerful mental shift into acceptance. Either way, the reality remains the same. Acceptance or rejection of your body only carries weight in your mind; your perception has no bearing on how your body actually looks, so why not choose the ease of acceptance rather than the pain of rejection? The choice is yours. "
Found in "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott PhD
Have you had an experience with self-acceptance? Please share it!
One of my favorite routines after getting out of bed in the morning involves making a steaming hot cup of coffee and taking a moment before taking my first sip to pause, gaze out my kitchen window, and set an intention for my day ahead. This ritual started a couple of years ago as I began to realize how busy the days can be and how easy it is to fill the waking hours to the brim without taking the time to slow down and check in. I found myself talking with clients and friends about the importance of mindfulness, self inquiry, and pausing, but realized that I too needed to hear that message and bring focused attention to sloooowwwwwwwwwingggg down.
Sometimes setting an intention to set an intention is the hardest part
At first, I had to remind myself to take that moment or would chide myself with self-criticism if I'd rushed around after waking up too late/hitting snooze and had forgotten about the intention to set an intention altogether. Just like any type of habit change, however, with enough practice and repetition, the new ritual stuck and now it's the part of my morning I look forward to most. This “mindfulness moment” allows me the opportunity to assess how I'm feeling, what I'm grateful for, what I'm worried about, and what I'd like to practice for the day ahead. Solidifying this habit in the morning has also helped to make it much more natural to return to this practice throughout the day.
Even the fullest days can hold mindful moments
Maybe it's taking a moment to check in while waiting in line at the grocery store, sitting down to eat lunch, or washing dishes at the end of a long day – wherever it may be, the realization that there IS time to take time throughout a busy day has been a huge change for me. We all have the ability to slow down and check in with ourselves, no matter how full our time may seem.
This past Christmas, I received the perfect gift to accompany this morning ritual - “Journey to the Heart” by Melody Beattie. This book has a daily reading for each day of the year and always seems to deliver just the message I need to hear. There was a reading a few weeks ago that gave me pause for thought and it felt important to share. It's entitled “Look at What's Right” - a reflection about how we can spend so much time looking for flaws in ourselves, even in the name of self improvement,”that we often forget to stop and take stock of what is going well or what we value within ourselves. Here's the reading:
“Take time to notice what's right in ourselves, in others, and in the world around us. We may become so concerned with correcting ourselves we become habituated to seeing what's wrong. Not just seeing it – constantly looking for it. The question itself – What's wrong? – is enough to keep us on edge.
"There are times to take stock, do an inventory. Times to learn and grow. But spirituality and joy do not stem from trudging around in the muck of what's wrong with others, ourselves, and life. We do not have to seek out mistakes and errors, poking and picking at ourselves to continue our growth. Poking and picking hurts. Our lessons will be revealed to us, and they will present themselves naturally. Growth will occur.
"Give yourself a break. Ask yourself what's right, what's good, what's true, what's beautiful. Sometimes the lesson isn't in discovering what's wrong. Sometimes the lesson is discovering that the world is all right – and so are you.”
So, with that, I'd challenge all of you to practice taking a pause today (and maybe eventually every day) to acknowledge what's right. Give yourself the
gift of self compassion, give yourself some space from that internal critic, and call out a strength you possess – even if it seems tiny or insignificant.
With practice and persistence, everything gets easier.
I originally wrote this video blog for Recovery Warriors which is a phenomenal community and resource for anyone looking for additional support in their eating disorder recovery. But you don't have to have an eating disorder to have crappy body image. So if you'd like to feel better about your body, this one's for you.
Key Point: You cannot talk your way to better body image. If you treat yourself with hate you will continue to feel hate towards your body. In this video blog I share with you the why and the how to improve your body image through actionable steps.
After you view this video blog, I hope you will share what you plan to start doing that feels good to your body. What action step or steps will you start making today?
Photo Credit: I discovered this photo from my friend and colleague Leslie Schilling's facebook post. Check out her blog- you'll love her sensible and sassy nutrition expertise.
Health selfishness is about becoming clear on what you need, owning what you need whenever possible, and not apologizing for it. In essence, it’s about becoming attuned to your own sense of what is right for you . And the really amazing thing is that when you are attuned and responsive to your own needs, your capacity to give to others grows.
It may be helpful for us to break this down into categories. And when you are a tad OCD like me, breaking things down into categories always feels like the right thing to do! Let’s think about your wellness in three areas: physical, mental, emotional. You can imagine them like a Venn diagram because they are separate but have areas of overlap.
In order for you to become more clear about ways you need a little more healthy selfishness in your life, consider answering the following questions:
1. When it comes to my physical, mental, or emotional health what do I need more/less of?
2. What would it require for me to get more/less of that thing?
3. Am I willing to take what it requires?
4. If I have trouble justifying it for myself, would I think it seemed reasonable for someone else?
I’ll share with you one example but this type of “taking stock” can work in any area of your life. I’ll stick with food and eating since that’s what I know best!
1. I need to take 20 min and eat a balanced lunch during the day.
2. When I’m swamped at work, it may require keeping a co-worker waiting. At home, it may require me taking a break from paying attention to my kids.
3. Hmm, I’m not sure if it’s worth it. If I stop and eat I may feel like I’m losing time but there is a chance that having brain fuel will actually allow me to be more productive at work and may also prevent the frenetic snacking that happens in the late afternoon. I’ll try it out once this week so I can better assess the pros and cons of taking more time for myself.
4. Yes, I think it would be reasonable for pretty much anyone to stop for 20 min during the day and eat.
Body Positive. It seems to be a term that’s getting a little more press these days. As a self-described “body positive dietitian” you’d think I’d be thrilled! Truthfully, I’m conflicted. I’m conflicted because “body positive” began as a term used to promote body inclusivity, meaning all bodies (fat, thin, short, tall, able-bodied or not) deserve respect AND don’t need changing. Yup, body positive means I’m going to take good care of my body just as it is today and love it fiercely, without any agenda of making it look different.